Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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