I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
