im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
