She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There's even glitter on my cock...
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