I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
