He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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