look no pants
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
