God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
