Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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