just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
