Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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