i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
