I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
