Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize