I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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