you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
