All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I need moral support for this bender
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
