you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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