working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
