He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
