im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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