Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
