I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
