What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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