first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
