My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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