I wish I only lived at night.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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