Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
