Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
