Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
