i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
