I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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