Whod you bang
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
