Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
