Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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