Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
