clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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