9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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