Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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