Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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