So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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