i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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