the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
