What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
