i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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