12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
