Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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