Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
