this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The ass gains better be worth it
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