i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I love you.
Bad choice
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
