i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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