The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i think i have herpe
just one?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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