i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
