I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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