Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
