hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
